I am a massive scaredy cat, I am frightened of everything. This admission follows me catching the opening 3 minutes of The Walking Dead on Channel 5 last night as Geordie lounged on the sofa stating ‘Hey that bloke out of Love Actually is in this, you’ll like it’. Needless to say even the delectable Andrew Lincoln wasn’t enough to make me sit through more than a few minutes of this particularly gruesome episode and I was sufficiently horrified to ask Geordie to turn it off even though I wasn’t in the room. Excessive you might think, yeah I’m that scared.
My ridiculous fear of well, most things started as a teenager when I used to watch X-Files and The Twilight Zone alone in my room, with the lights off and everything! I can still distinctly remember an episode of The X-Files where a guy got into people’s homes through teeny air conditioning vents, another man who chewed newspaper and made an underground den out of it, and one where a guy (see a theme appearing here, and women are said to be ‘weird’) locked his victims in an underground bunker and scared the living day lights out of them just staring at them through a small hatch. Pretty sure my friend Emma will know the finer details of each of those episodes, she’s a huge X-files fan still. I wonder why I didn’t find it so frightening back then, yet now when I walk my dog I rate everyone I see on how likely they are to abduct me?
Crime thrillers are my favourite type of fiction and I’ve read avidly since my late teens, I don’t suppose this has helped my poor nerves. I have read the books of many televised series but can’t watch it on tv. Wire In the Blood, Inspector Banks and Rebus have all held me captive during most of my pregnancy last year, but only in paper form. I think I trust my mind more than tv producers to conjure up less petrifying images that won’t have me sleeping with the light on, or making Geordie come to the toilet with me because I’m convinced there’s an alien/serial killer in our airing cupboard.
The scariest film I have seen is Sleepy Hollow, go on….laugh. Christopher Walken is an absolutely amazing actor and I just about managed to get through that film by imagining him dancing like a loon in that Fat Boy Slim video. The best related story I can come up with is one my little sister has really enjoyed telling potential boyfriends in the past and involves a film that is billed as a comedy, not a horror. A few years ago we rented Shaun of the Dead on dvd, bought some Galaxy Minstrels to munch on and settled down to watch said ‘comedy’ Spoiler Alert!!! There is a brief part in the film where the main characters are in the pub trying to turn the lights back on at the fuse board, when the lights come back on there is an outline of ‘A LOT’ of zombies trying to get in against a glass panel door. This few moments of cinematography was enough to make me jump, much to the sheer delight of my sister who started wailing laughing on the sofa and pointing at my pyjama bottoms. At some point during the evening I had managed to miss my stupid big mouth with the Galaxy Minstrels which had then ended up down the cushion and ultimately melted against the heat of my bum on the sofa. So in short, it looked like I had crapped myself. I wasn’t THAT scared and it definitely was melted chocolate.
I’ve totally missed the boat on Dr Who, Twilight and dare I say it Harry Potter. It only took one look at the dementer’s and that was me channel hopping to find an episode of The Hairy Bikers cookery programme. Ah the safety of cake, everyone likes cake.