Tag Archives: fear

Woman Vs Machine

Okay deep breath……My name is GG and I am scared of heavy machinery, in particular JCB’s and wrecking balls. (Not an euphemism) I can’t even go to Alton Towers without getting a bit jittery driving past the humongous JCB plant en route. You’d think I’d be more frightened of rollercoasters?!

I’m going to treat today’s blog as a sort of scaredy cats anonymous session and get it all off my chest while the nightmare I had last night is still annoyingly fresh in my mind.

I wondered into a dream where I was happily playing with my kids and nieces and nephew in some left-over builders sand, you know the type just left on the road side when someone has had a drive block paved? Anyway, we were knee-deep in builders sand when my youngest niece shouts ‘Look a BIG DIGGER’ at this point they all run off and start climbing all over the big bright yellow machine and I immediately start backing away shouting at them all to get down. Now conveniently at this point one of the kids remind me that the other adults are at a party so if I want them to get down I’d have to go and get them. Nice subconscious….nice!

La Princesse (Credit)

La Princesse (Credit)

I’m a bit hazy about the next bit but sure enough I end up sweating profusely while climbing up the impossibly big JCB (more like the assault course from The Krypton Factor) as my eldest daughter begins to pull levers to move the gigantic claw, laughing maniacally (I wonder if Stephen King might be interested in a synopsis?) . I’m wildly chucking kids down to the ground as the claw swings frighteningly close to my head (I’m getting a bit shaky reliving this) and shouting like a docker at my daughter to get ‘the hell’ down when she leans on the control panel and the claw doubles back to wrap closely around me, pinning me into the machine. This is where I really start panicking, trying to control my breathing because the thought of being trapped in a giant piece of machinery and unable to move, is to me, terrifying.

La Princesse (Credit)

La Princesse (Credit)

I woke up at this point yanking the bed covers away and taking in huge gulping breaths. It’s the type of scenario only a nightmare can manifest and luckily for me I have a mum voice that strikes the fear of God into my kids, so the likely hood of this actually happening is slim to none. I’m also scared of spiders and unfortunately they don’t give a rats ass about me shouting at them in my scary voice. It appears that shouting ‘Don’t you disobey me’ at them is pointless and they crawl lazily into the corner of the room when they feel like. Only my Vogue back catalogue can deal with such insubordination. Eat high fashion suckers.

This irrational fear may well have sprung from my old home town of Liverpool hosting Capital of Culture a couple of years ago. The city was visited by a gigantic robotic spider (see photo…… it had to be yellow didn’t it?) La Princesse was lowered sneakily in the night into position on an old tower block and proceeded to spend a couple of days wandering around the city streets terrifying the masses. It was actually pretty awesome at the time but spiders and JCB’s……oh my!

Wonder what damage a rolled up magazine would do to a rogue JCB?

I’m not hopeful.

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We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat

I’m scared of the dark, there I’ve said it. I am a grown woman, mother of two whom I reassure and comfort from silly fears yet if I need to use the loo in the night I have to turn on all four lights en route to the bathroom. Last night we were driving home over 30 miles of moor land with only the car headlights and cats eyes in the road to guide our way. Having driven the same journey earlier in the day I knew we were surrounded by miles and miles of barren farm land with nothing but the odd house and herd of bewildered sheep for company. For the majority of the journey I was fraught with anxiety and consumed by thoughts of disaster and chaos. When the rain wasn’t pelting the car the fog was so dense that Geordie was reduced to driving at just 50 mph (insert sarcasm here) on the twisting narrow roads and obviously this did nothing to help my nerves, he was also getting very agitated at me telling him to ‘BLOODY SLOW DOWN’. All I was concerned about was not getting stranded out in the wilderness in the pitch black and had to busy myself with eating Cheerio’s and malted milk biscuits from our daughter’s backpack. I know my fear is silly, I’ve been ridiculed my whole life about it, Geordie says I’m scared of my own shadow, well who wouldn’t be..it’s dark!

My silly fears don’t stop there either. I watched Jaws with my brother when I was fairly young and since then I have been frightened of swimming in open water. When I go abroad or even on that one day a year that the weather is warm enough in the UK to warrant a dip in either the sea or lake, I can barely manage to get thigh deep before the panic sets in and off I run like a great white is nipping at my heels. I can’t even stomach one of those fish pedicure treatments, yuck. The thought of having fish swim around my feet and legs makes me very uneasy. My Mum tells me that when I was born in a suburb of Sydney, Australia she took me down to the beach at less than 10 weeks old and unceremoniously chucked me in the sea. I’m not sure how long babies have the under-water breath holding reflex but it’s no wonder I’m not a keen swimmer, Jaws has nothing on my Mum!

As a Mum myself I appreciate the importance of not imposing my fears on my children and our two regularly go swimming in the safety of the local pool without fear of me launching them into the deep end without so much as an armband.

NaBloPoMo

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What’s That Coming Over The Hill

I am a massive scaredy cat, I am frightened of everything. This admission follows me catching the opening 3 minutes of The Walking Dead on Channel 5 last night as Geordie lounged on the sofa stating ‘Hey that bloke out of Love Actually is in this, you’ll like it’. Needless to say even the delectable Andrew Lincoln wasn’t enough to make me sit through more than a few minutes of this particularly gruesome episode and I was sufficiently horrified to ask Geordie to turn it off even though I wasn’t in the room. Excessive you might think, yeah I’m that scared.

1959 Series Logo

1959 Series Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My ridiculous fear of well, most things started as a teenager when I used to watch X-Files and The Twilight Zone alone in my room, with the lights off and everything! I can still distinctly remember an episode of The X-Files where a guy got into people’s homes through teeny air conditioning vents, another man who chewed newspaper and made an underground den out of it, and one where a guy (see a theme appearing here, and women are said to be ‘weird’) locked his victims in an underground bunker and scared the living day lights out of them just staring at them through a small hatch. Pretty sure my friend Emma will know the finer details of each of those episodes, she’s a huge X-files fan still. I wonder why I didn’t find it so frightening back then, yet now when I walk my dog I rate everyone I see on how likely they are to abduct me?

Crime thrillers are my favourite type of fiction and I’ve read avidly since my late teens, I don’t suppose this has helped my poor nerves. I have read the books of many televised series but can’t watch it on tv. Wire In the Blood, Inspector Banks and Rebus have all held me captive during most of my pregnancy last year, but only in paper form. I think I trust my mind more than tv producers to conjure up less petrifying images that won’t have me sleeping with the light on, or making Geordie come to the toilet with me because I’m convinced there’s an alien/serial killer in our airing cupboard.

Cover of

Cover of Shaun of the Dead

The scariest film I have seen is Sleepy Hollow, go on….laugh. Christopher Walken is an absolutely amazing actor and I just about managed to get through that film by imagining him dancing like a loon in that Fat Boy Slim video. The best related story I can come up with is one my little sister has really enjoyed telling potential boyfriends in the past and involves a film that is billed as a comedy, not a horror. A few years ago we rented Shaun of the Dead on dvd, bought some Galaxy Minstrels to munch on and settled down to watch said ‘comedy’ Spoiler Alert!!! There is a brief part in the film where the main characters are in the pub trying to turn the lights back on at the fuse board, when the lights come back on there is an outline of ‘A LOT’ of zombies trying to get in against a glass panel door. This few moments of cinematography was enough to make me jump, much to the sheer delight of my sister who started wailing laughing on the sofa and pointing at my pyjama bottoms. At some point during the evening I had managed to miss my stupid big mouth with the Galaxy Minstrels which had then ended up down the cushion and ultimately melted against the heat of my bum on the sofa. So in short, it looked like I had crapped myself. I wasn’t THAT scared and it definitely was melted chocolate.

I’ve totally missed the boat on Dr Who, Twilight and dare I say it Harry Potter. It only took one look at the dementer’s and that was me channel hopping to find an episode of The Hairy Bikers cookery programme. Ah the safety of cake, everyone likes cake.

 

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