Tag Archives: Television

Calamity Jane

It’s going to be a sad day today as I’m attending a family funeral. I’m going to write an upbeat blog post today in memory of such a wonderful person who always brought a smile to others.

I am easily the most accident prone person I know. As I kid growing up my parents could put me in a field of soft swirly grass and I’d still find something to hurt myself on, and I often did. I’m not talking about grazed knees or the odd bruise, those were the daily norm I’m talking dedicated A&E team at the children’s hospital. Don’t climb on the wall, they’d say, seconds later I would be screaming my lungs out having slipped legs akimbo on the wall and scraped the skin off my legs. Don’t jump on the chipboard manhole cover they’d say, moments later I had my legs stuck half way into the chipboard plank with my Sister running off to get my Dad to cut me out. Don’t go down the big hill on your roller boots they’d say, I stood up for a full minute this time thanks to momentum but then fell backwards and smacked my head off the asphalt with a loud thwack. At high school my maths teacher was constantly telling us not to bite the tops of our pens which I was in the middle of doing during one of these lectures and suddenly started choking as I had indeed swallowed the biro lid, well half swallowed hence the coughing fit. My most spectacular stunt was trying to hurdle a 5ft wall aged 11 and of course failing. I landed upside down on the wrong side of the wall with my elbow bent at a seriously nasty angle, 8 weeks in plaster followed and the hole in my elbow a permanent reminder that I am not indestructible. Maybe I’m not accident prone at all, maybe I’m a bit deaf….hello?

As I matured into a young adult I remained as dizzy as ever, regularly walking into lamp posts and bursting my nose all over the pavement. On a routine trip to the video shop (yes video shop) with my brother I came home sporting a blood soaked t-shirt thanks to an unsuspecting lamp-post. They’re everywhere!

Now that I’m older and have two other’s to look out for I’m slightly more aware of my surroundings as well as roadside fixtures and fittings. Now I have moved on to hurting myself on child related safety items, baby gates, stroller straps and clasps, car seats etc. I’m forever sporting blood blisters on my hand thanks to the buggy harness clasp and they last for ages. Luckily though the kids are safe and only suffer the usual bumps from jumping off the sofas and wrestling on the carpet, who’d have girls huh?

NoBloPoMo

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Mum Knows Best?

The Pink Panther cartoon character

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please help me! My daughter has been asleep for the last twenty minutes and yet I am still sat here watching Raa Raa the Lion on CITV and I can’t bring myself to get up and turn it over. I’m fast becoming a champion of theme tunes, celebrity voice overs and episode names for the majority of Cbeebies and CITV cartoons and it’s not really what Geordie wants to hear about when he gets back in from the adult world of work. He moans about the monotony of his daily routine and not getting to the gym, I moan that the episode of Horrid Henry when Henry makes his Mum some nasty perfume was on AGAIN! It’s hardly a match made in heaven.

I am pleasantly surprised that with all the cartoons on the TV 24/7 that my youngest has taken a shine to some real classics, Sooty and The Pink Panther raising the highest squeal as soon as the theme tune kicks in. Are you humming The Pink Panther now? I do…in my sleep. There have been many heated debates over the dining table about which Atomic Betty theme tune is the best, I’m so old school but my girls are rolling with the times. Pah! what do they know, they’ve never even heard of ThunderCats, Trap Door or Willow The Wisp!

My Mum has offered to buy my eldest daughter a TV for Christmas for the last couple of years but I’ve always declined because I’m positive it will become impossible to get her out of her bedroom and into the fresh air without resorting to blackmail. Not a situation I want to tackle until she’s at least at high school, and while she still believes that you get square eyes from watching too much TV I’m going to usher her in the garden in her wellie’s to play as much as possible, especially when my cartoons are on.

What’s your favourite cartoon?

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What’s That Coming Over The Hill

I am a massive scaredy cat, I am frightened of everything. This admission follows me catching the opening 3 minutes of The Walking Dead on Channel 5 last night as Geordie lounged on the sofa stating ‘Hey that bloke out of Love Actually is in this, you’ll like it’. Needless to say even the delectable Andrew Lincoln wasn’t enough to make me sit through more than a few minutes of this particularly gruesome episode and I was sufficiently horrified to ask Geordie to turn it off even though I wasn’t in the room. Excessive you might think, yeah I’m that scared.

1959 Series Logo

1959 Series Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My ridiculous fear of well, most things started as a teenager when I used to watch X-Files and The Twilight Zone alone in my room, with the lights off and everything! I can still distinctly remember an episode of The X-Files where a guy got into people’s homes through teeny air conditioning vents, another man who chewed newspaper and made an underground den out of it, and one where a guy (see a theme appearing here, and women are said to be ‘weird’) locked his victims in an underground bunker and scared the living day lights out of them just staring at them through a small hatch. Pretty sure my friend Emma will know the finer details of each of those episodes, she’s a huge X-files fan still. I wonder why I didn’t find it so frightening back then, yet now when I walk my dog I rate everyone I see on how likely they are to abduct me?

Crime thrillers are my favourite type of fiction and I’ve read avidly since my late teens, I don’t suppose this has helped my poor nerves. I have read the books of many televised series but can’t watch it on tv. Wire In the Blood, Inspector Banks and Rebus have all held me captive during most of my pregnancy last year, but only in paper form. I think I trust my mind more than tv producers to conjure up less petrifying images that won’t have me sleeping with the light on, or making Geordie come to the toilet with me because I’m convinced there’s an alien/serial killer in our airing cupboard.

Cover of

Cover of Shaun of the Dead

The scariest film I have seen is Sleepy Hollow, go on….laugh. Christopher Walken is an absolutely amazing actor and I just about managed to get through that film by imagining him dancing like a loon in that Fat Boy Slim video. The best related story I can come up with is one my little sister has really enjoyed telling potential boyfriends in the past and involves a film that is billed as a comedy, not a horror. A few years ago we rented Shaun of the Dead on dvd, bought some Galaxy Minstrels to munch on and settled down to watch said ‘comedy’ Spoiler Alert!!! There is a brief part in the film where the main characters are in the pub trying to turn the lights back on at the fuse board, when the lights come back on there is an outline of ‘A LOT’ of zombies trying to get in against a glass panel door. This few moments of cinematography was enough to make me jump, much to the sheer delight of my sister who started wailing laughing on the sofa and pointing at my pyjama bottoms. At some point during the evening I had managed to miss my stupid big mouth with the Galaxy Minstrels which had then ended up down the cushion and ultimately melted against the heat of my bum on the sofa. So in short, it looked like I had crapped myself. I wasn’t THAT scared and it definitely was melted chocolate.

I’ve totally missed the boat on Dr Who, Twilight and dare I say it Harry Potter. It only took one look at the dementer’s and that was me channel hopping to find an episode of The Hairy Bikers cookery programme. Ah the safety of cake, everyone likes cake.

 

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Two to Tango

Geordie is away at the moment, with his job he tends to go away once a month for a few days or a week, I’m used to it now. He went away for 5 months not long after we started dating, it was like the end of the world for me. I didn’t eat for three days and couldn’t sleep. Without the support of my friend Danielle I’d have ended our relationship because the stress was too much to bear. Now I know it takes separations like this for you to notice the little things that make you a couple.

When I get up in the morning the first thing I do is tip the shower head down again, as Geordie is taller than me we have it at different angles to shower. I swiftly move on to put the toothpaste back in the cup on the window sill, I’m still not entirely sure why he can’t do this but sure enough day after day the Colgate lays half squeezed on the sink while his toothbrush nestles in the safety of the cup. Once I’ve hung his wet towel over the banister correctly I.e. so it will actually dry, I put his laundry in the basket, as opposed to on the floor next to the basket where he leaves it and go get dressed.

Toothpaste

Toothpaste (Photo credit: Fuzzy Gerdes)

Once downstairs I wash his breakfast dishes and wipe down the counter where he has spilled every substance he’s come into contact with that morning, butter, milk and tea usually. I make my own breakfast and clean up. In the living room I collect the empty lemonade bottle and glass that he’s left. The discarded crisp packet and biscuit wrapper go in the bin too. I fluff the cushions, have a quick hoover around and switch on the TV so the little one can watch cartoons while I catch up online.

As a couple this is the start of the dance routine of life, he sets the pace and I quick step around his handiwork to make sure we don’t live in a landfill. Occasionally I will moan about his lack of effort to help around the house and he will blame it on being a man and not being able to multi-task. Brushing your teeth and putting the toothpaste back? Come on…..he’s just a bloke.

It’s at times like these, when he’s away that I realise that it’s not really inconvenience, it’s just how we are. I miss the smell of his deodorant when he gets ready for work. The ear-splitting sound of the ironing board being opened at stupid o’clock in the morning when he forgot to iron a shirt the night before. I even miss putting his work boots away because if I don’t the dog will have a whale of a time chewing hell out of his laces and I then have to put up with Geordie f-ing and blinding about the whole thing.

It’s surprisingly easy to do the dance of love, even with two left feet.

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